10 People to Blame for the Oil Spill
As we all know, the most important aspect to the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is how we should all be thinking about it. We also know that, before we can even begin to find ways to fix the spill or cope with the damage it will inevitably cause to wildlife, the environment, coastlines, and the price of Zatarain's stock, we must, as quickly as possible, assign blame. We must make sure that the blame is pointed in a specific direction, free of distractions or talk of multiple sources of failure, and that whatever person or entity we choose to blame, it just happens to fit into our political worldview. So in case you are unsure of how you are supposed to feel, know that, no matter what your politics may be, you should be outraged. As for who should receive the brunt of your outrage, here are the popular candidates:
PRESIDENT BUSH
 | | Even more horrifying than a Paul Anderson movie |
As I'm sure we're all aware by now, in the year 2000, George W. Bush hatched a scheme with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney to take over the world. It involved stealing an election, faking a terrorist attack, invading Iraq, and then completely destroying the world economy. What most of us don't fully appreciate is that they also found ways to affect nature, reality, acts of God, and the Matrix. Therefore, this oil disaster makes perfect sense, because it's all part of Bush's plan to make President Obama look bad so that the Republicans can win back full control of the government and elect Bush supreme chancellor of the American Empire. Besides, Bush knows we don't actually need any more oil, because of all those huge stockpiles of oil we stole from Iraq.
Now, some truly nutty people believe that ex-President Bush is not some sort of evil mastermind, but actually an incompetent boob who wouldn't know how to "embetterfy" an unglazed donut. I know, it doesn't make sense, right? Anyway, these people can blame Bush too, because as we all know, it was his complete fuck-all idiocy that allowed safeguards to be dropped in the gulf, not to mention the Federal regulations he wrote that force all companies to put bombs on their oil rigs that could go at any time. Perhaps Bush actually believed it would be in the best interest of the country to install grenade-tipped drill bits in all the rigs, or maybe he was just duped into thinking so by that most evil of masterminds, Rush Limbaugh.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
 | | "And then--this is the best part, you'll get such a kick out of it--and then I'll cause this giant oil spill in the Gulf!" |
Barack Obama, upon taking office, has thus far succeeded in his plot to destroy America and install socialism in every nook and cranny of this great land. This oil spill "accident" is just another in a series of well-timed events that he is using to thwart the will of the people. The fact that he was talking about doing some more drilling in the gulf just before that rig exploded is awfully convenient, is it not? Now he can stop all drilling everywhere and claim that he does it only reluctantly, thereby ensuring that American energy be driven by his new, environmentally-safe fuel cells that run on mind control and anti-capitalist rhetoric.
And what about Obama's slow, seemingly incompetent response to the crisis that threatens several impoverished cities along the coast? Well, he's doing that for the same reason President Bush created Hurricane Katrina and steered it directly for New Orleans: he hates black people. Plus, this whole crisis keeps the press busy while the administration quietly handles other scandals. For example, there's this Sestak thing (for those who don't know, the president has admitted to sort-of offering an unpaid job to Mr. Sestak if he should choose to drop out of an election), which if you check the lawbooks, should be punishable by castration and firing squad. As we all know, offering political favors to people in your own party is right up there with child molestation, so you can see why it would be advantageous for there to be something else going on in the world. He's a clever one, that Obama.
BP
 | | Any company who gives giant novelty checks to universities for "scholarships" has to be up to no good |
If you are going to choose to blame BP, you must be out of your mind. It's absolutely ludicrous to suppose that ultimate responsibility rests with the company that owns and operates (or, rather, operated) the rig that exploded and started this whole mess. But hey, if you want to ignore the fact that some poor multi-billion dollar oil company had a bad day due to the malicious sorcery of those in Washington, that's your choice.
Perhaps a case can be made, though I can't possibly see what BP would have to gain by creating an oil spill. Maybe it's a humanitarian thing, and they're giving free oil to the disadvantaged cities along the Southern coast of the United States. Looked at that way, maybe it's not so bad after all. Good job, BP; your name will surely go down in history as one of the most benevolent corporations to ever walk the Earth, right alongside such noble giants as Exxon, Enron, and Philip Morris.
HIPPIES AND ENVIRONMENTALISTS
 | | Pictured: pure, unconcealed evil (well, only slightly concealed) |
Hippies and environmentalists, like communists and white rappers, are only interested in one thing: destroying our way of life. These people have been devilishly sneaking into our homes, replacing our lightbulbs with ones that don't work right, forcing us to sort our trash, putting dreamcatchers in our windows, and switching all our DVDs with power-point presentations narrated by Al Gore. While this might seem like harmless prankstering, there is a much darker side to their agenda, and while they may act as outraged as the rest of us when it comes to this oil spill, they are secretly and joyfully doing the macarena on the inside.
You see, hippies and environmentalists have long known one of the best-kept secrets in the history of the world: the cleanest and most renewable resource known to man can be supplied from the tortured cries of kittens. If they'd have let us tap into this amazing energy source when we first wanted to, we wouldn't need to drill in the middle of the gulf. You see, hippies would have you believe that it is better to rape mother Earth with oil drills than put a few helpless kitties in a clothes dryer, because kittens are more important to them than the entire Gulf of Mexico. This whole catastrophe could have been avoided if only we ignored environmentalist demands that we halt all research into greener kitten torture devices, but no, now they have oil on their hands and are actually happy about it. Those bastards!
RICH PEOPLE
(or capitalism in general)
 | | Earlier this year, Bill Gates only put six billion dollars towards vaccine research, so he obviously hates children |
Fun fact: every time you kill a poor person, you get ten thousand dollars. This is how rich people have gotten rich, because there is no way anybody could actually make money doing anything good and decent. Therefore, while it may be hard to find a logical way to blame all rich people for the spill, nobody will question you if you start spouting hatred for all those bastards on Wall Street who swept in with their bags full of money and made the oil rig explode. Better yet, you could say that they were too busy sleeping on giant beds made from hundred dollar bills and the dreams of little children to notice that anything was going wrong, and they are therefore wholly to blame. Most people will cheer you on, because fuck those guys.
You could take it even further if you want. Blame capitalism in general, and use phrases like "culture of greed" or "corruption is the norm." Nobody will care if you fail to offer any alternative, and they'll gladly pay you if you decide to make a movie about it and sell it on Blu-Ray and DVD for $29.99 a pop. People will eat that shit up and listen to whatever you have to say. It works even better if you're fat.
-e. magill 6/1/2010
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